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August 10, 2007

Travel, Day Four: Phoenix, Seattle

Wednesday and Thursday were both travel days, and, thankfully, I'm now back in Seattle, back in my neighborhood, and, very shortly, back in my own damn bed.

It's still bizarre to think that this week is - more properly, has been - my last as a Planner, and that, come Monday morning, I'm starting the new new thing.

On the other hand, given some of the indignities suffered this week in the pursuit of customer feedback, well, I might be ready for the change.

The notes:

• Our second stab at getting the heck out of Pittsburgh was more successful than the first. We arrived at the airport, slid up to the ticket counter, were informed that our flight was on-time, and checked baggage. (I about fell over in shock.)
• God Will Make You Suffer If You Try To Leave Pennsylvania, Part 1: Our original tickets were on United, and, when United couldn't get us to Houston anytime before the Bejing Olympics or the second Clinton Administration, they were kind enough to book us on a rival airline - US Airways. On the plus side, US Airways has a direct-to-Phoenix flight (read: doesn't stop in Chicago), which meant that our chances of actually arriving seemed high. On the negative side, US Airways already had a pretty full plane when it took us, and they clearly knew they were dealing with people who hadn't chosen to do business with them in the first place. This meant we got, um, interesting seats - those fun middle jobbies that are situated somewhere behind the tail or just over an engine. I think my seat assignment was 26,000D. If we wanted out of town, it was going to hurt.
• (And, of course, my ability to upgrade - that little sliver of hope - was nil. US Air and United share a first letter in their names, but not frequent-flyer programs. Pity.)
• God Will Make You Suffer If You Try To Leave Pennsylvania, Part 2: Of course, we got picked for security screening. Of course we did. And not just the 'ol pat-down-and-wand routine, but the full-on bag search, replete with the chemically-treated paper, the turning on of the laptop, the works. TSA was totally professional and pleasant, but ... man.
• I'm convinced that the food contracts for every airport in the country are handled by the same company. I was strolling around the dining choices and saw, well, all the same stuff I saw at SeaTac or Chicago or Denver - Qdoba, Quiznos, McDonald's, Ben & Jerry's. And all of it was right next to the CNBC/Hudson News place, just down the way from the Rosetta Stone kiosks. I suddenly felt like Ed Norton from Fight Club. Seriously, the only way I know which airport I'm in half the time is by the school/pro sports team printed on the sweatshirts/mascots for sale at the gift shops.
• God Will Make You Suffer If You Try To Leave Pennsylvania, Part 3: And then, the storm came in. And not just any storm, but a fantastic, noisy, rainy, near-biblical-flood-inducing, thunder-and-lightning extravaganza that just shut down the airport, stalled flight loading at the gates, the works. It went on like that for 45 minutes, too. And I was honestly baffled/impressed - I mean, what else could happen?
• God Will Make You Suffer If You Try To Leave Pennsylvania, Part 4: Didn't have to wait long to find out. Lightning struck the plane next to ours. Both planes were parked at their gates, and when the bolt hit, it made a sound like God snapping His fingers, or something, and scared the holy bejeezus out of some poor woman who was near the other bird. The entire concourse shut up - silence fell very eerily and quickly - and when the US Air announcer came on, she announced that the plane was out of service pending mechanical inspection. (And some people headed for San Francisco were decidedly not happy to hear that.)
• Eventually (and filled with survivor's guilt), we boarded.
• US Air has this "calming" video they play on the airplane's video monitors while you board. It's unbelievably cheesy, too - think "scenes of nature set to music you might hear while getting massaged" and you're in the ballpark. We're talking waterfalls, helicopter shots of rock formations, microscopic views of crystals and/or plants, and - my favorite - some random computer graphics sequence that that looks like a laser show for Pink Floyd's The Wall. The intent is to keep us docile, but instead it made me giggle.
• (The CD and DVD are available for sale, too. I'm swear I'm not making this up.)
• God Will Make You Suffer If You Try To Leave Pennsylvania, Part 5: We get on the runway, and then - another storm! We're sitting around for 40 minutes or so, waiting for this squall to pass. I'm bouncing in my seat, obsessive-compulsively flicking through lists on the iPhone and hoping like hell we're not next in line for the lightning strike. US Air pops on the "calming" DVD like it's some sort of video Prozac. I start giggling again.
• Storm passes, engines start, we're airborne. It's bumpy - the air's full of pockets - and suddenly it occurs to me that I'm getting married exactly one month from now. Like, almost to the hour. <Keanu>Whoa</Keanu>.
• (Elaine, I miss ya, baby.)
• As luck would have it, I wound up sitting next to a fascinating guy, a Pittsburgh native who wanted to talk about software, Generation Y, finding good talent, the health care mess (he's in the industry), urban planning, national politics, and queuing theory. I was in heaven.
• During my fascinating conversation, US Air interrupted the "calming" video to play "Spider Man 3," whose plot, near as I can tell (no audio), was that a computer-generated sand monster and computer-generated black goo monster both had it in for Spider-Man, who himself was largely computer-generated. Stuff blew up, Tobey Maguire looked sad and lost, and James Franco clearly had his eye on a piece of land, or something, because he clearly had other things on his mind. Frankly, the whole thing was so CGI-slick, over-the-top and pointless that it made me yearn for the good old days of ASCII art.
• Phoenix, Arizona, was 102 degrees Fahrenheit when we landed. At 8 PM.
• Our reservations for the evening were at the Phoenix Hilton, which is - and I'm being totally honest here - a kick-ass hotel. Say what you will about the misadventures of Ms. Paris, but the Hilton hotel people have it together when it comes to building oases of air-conditioned, clean-white-linened, white-wine-equipped fantasticness. Holy crap, I needed that hotel.
• As suggested by the 102-degrees-at-8-PM thing, Phoenix during the day is hot. Hot, hot, hot. Really damn hot. People love to say things like, "Yeah, man, but it's a dry heat," to which the only appropriate response is: go stick your head in an oven.
• If you have ever have lunch in Phoenix, there's a pizza joint called Nello's ("In Crust We Trust") that's pretty damn good.
• Sky Harbor Airport in Phoenix has the most over-the-top, overbuilt rental car center you can imagine. It's huge. I daresay you could fit two or three regional airports inside it, and still have room for your CD collection and a family of four. It's also really remote - I actually think we went in to Nevada to return the Impala to Avis. It's absolutely crazy.
• Yes, Avis really did give me an Impala. Stop laughing.
• Good news for geeks: Sky Harbor Airport has free WiFi and decent numbers of A/C power plugs. W00t!
• Our United flight back to Seattle (by way of San Francisco) was - yes- delayed. I'd have been more surprised if it hadn't been.
• Turns out our flight was on "Ted", which is United's low-cost hipster brand that's intended to compete with Southwest. The most interesting thing about Ted is that people who work for Ted talk about Ted in the third person, like Ted is a real person who has preferences. The airline safety video, for example, says, "Ted wants to remind you..." and "Ted hopes you enjoy your flight." (It's creeeeee-py.)
• Incidentally, the Ted safety video is the hippest safety video I've ever seen. It's got cuts, zooms, tons of greenscreen work, a hipster soundtrack. Crazy. Since when does Michael Bay do airplane videos?
• In the first break of the day, our United flight from SFO to SeaTac boarded ... on time. And the nice man behind the counter offered me ... an upgrade. I just about hugged him.

Damn, it's good to be home.

Posted by Gavin Shearer at August 10, 2007 1:43 AM. Posted to MSFT | Travel.

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