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October 17, 2007

Our "Weekend Couples Workshop" Adventure

This past weekend, Elaine and I attended a two-day "couples workshop" put on by the Gottman Institute. Called "The Art & Science Of Love", it was held at the Seattle Center's Northwest Rooms, which feature some of the least-comfortable chairs I've ever had the misfortune to perch myself on.

Despite that, I recommend the workshop very highly.

The Gottman Institute was recommended to me by a friend of mine, who had attended one of these workshops and found a lot of the advice to be insightful, helpful, and practical. I'm not generally one for "relationship counseling" - the term itself invokes an immediate mental picture of Dr. Phil, wagging a finger at some hapless couple as he proceeds to get in to their business in front of a live studio audience. (No thanks.)

This was different. It was a much larger event than I'd imagined - about 300 couples - and the general structure worked like this:

• Drs. John & Julie Gottman (husband and wife) would get up at the podium for 30 - 90 minutes and talk. They've both made their careers studying relationships, and have done a lot of work where they videotape couples talking and then analyze the tapes (Malcom Gladwell wrote about them in "Blink"). So these talks would generally revolve around what they've learned from their research, or it would introduce a concept of how to communicate about a sensitive topic. (It also helps that Mr. Gottman is really funny. Super-deadpan. Fantastic.)
• Following this, we'd break out into a individual sessions. People would often leave the room (read: get off those damn chairs) and go to other rooms in the area, or out into the courtyard, or to the steps of Key Arena. Here, we'd usually try to work on the just-introduced concept for 25 or 30 minutes. The conversations are structured - let one person talk, then the other; use certain kinds of phrases, and not others - and, at the end of it, everyone returns to the main room for the next stage.

As you might imagine, 300-some couples trying to learn a new/different communication style can get a bit emotional, so the Gottmans have a platoon of PhDs from all over the US and Canada there to help out if couples need it. These assistants were introduced at the beginning of the weekend, and the sheer number of them seemed a little overwhelming until I saw how many couples were looking for help. (So that's a good thing.)

So what did we learn? Well, we got two biggies.

First, we got a lot of 'tips and tricks' for keeping the relationship working. Some of them are advanced common sense ("carve out a 'date night' on a monthly/weekly basis"), while others involve some great techniques for listening, asking for space, and structuring conversations so the other person doesn't feel like they're being personally attacked when you're trying to discuss a sensitive issue.

Second, we got a lot of practice using the frameworks and exercises. A lot of it sounds easy, but when you get in the middle of a real conversation you find that old reflexes kick in and, suddenly, you're defensive, stonewalling, or counter-attacking. Having a safe, extended environment where you can walk through the steps together is surprisingly educational.

Overall, I'm really happy. We both took the Gottman workshop as that 'ounce of prevention' that, hopefully, can help keep things fresh and open over time (I mean, I've never been married before, so I'm interested in all kinds of advice).

If this sounds like something you and your sweetie might like to try, I definitely recommend it.

Posted by Gavin Shearer at October 17, 2007 10:16 PM. Posted to Misc.

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